Bum Fluff

Tis I, Snootsworth!
It's been a long time by jove since I last communicated to thee all.
The young mistress combed me today.
And as the fluff was removed from my slightly stained arsehole....I thought of Michael Gove.
Blimey!
I am now groomed and ready for action....but its boilingly hot here in Bournemouth and my tongue is just lolling around with canine gob sweat. A bit like Andrew Murray actually.
Wish I was at Glastonbury though; some of m'favourite bands appearing:
Pup, The Kaiser Woofs, Big Audio Winalot and Beyorkie.
This blog is revived....let's rock!

The Snootsworth Election Manifesto

The canine vote is bloody important at the next election....and The Snootsworth Party has released the following manifesto under the title - "Fairness, Change For Dogs and More Grub Please."

1. A 25% increase in tripe is guaranteed in all meat based tinned products.
2. A shit where you like tax will be introduced. Any dog will be allowed one free weekly crap in embarrassing places for their Master/Mistress IE On the hall carpet, In the middle of manicured lawns, In Gran's beloved flowerbeds. In return for this privilege, all dogs earning over 12 Chicken Strips per week will have to pay 4 playful hugs back to their owner and those below the threshold of 12 will pay a reduced shit tax of 2 hugs.
3. We promise a reduction in multi coloured novelty leads, so dogs can walk proudly without other humans giggling at some outrageous lead and collar combination.
4. The right for dogs to pursue the traditional country sport of cat hunting will be re introduced.
5. All dogs will have the right to a free Chicken Strip after walkies.
6. At night time before going to bed all canines will have access to at least one of the following:
Hobnobs
Rich Tea Biccies
Marrowbone Snacks.
7. We promise more trees with more enjoyable and beneficial piss smells.

Our policies are receiving approval from many mainline politicians....even Mr Brown, Mr Clegg and Mr Cameron (above) have rallied to our cause

Remember your vote on May 6th is vital.
Vote Tripe. Vote Snootsworth!

Snootsworth - Dancing Dog?

So chums....that's all I'm getting from fellow mutts as I go walking on Redhill Common:
"See that Chandi, on Britain's Got Talent....wow she is cool!"
"That Chandi.....what a dancer!"
"I'd give that Chandi one!"
"What a star!"

Chandi this, Chandi that. Yeah, alright she's pretty tasty looking...and I'd certainly like a sniff of her beautifully choreographed little arse....but she is going to put us ordinary dogs under pressure.
These bloody humans will start wanting to train us....control us....dominate our free canine spirit.
I have a message for all dogs reading this:
Keep your freedom....keep your thickness!
If those humans try and make you sit, lie, give paw...... Be bloody obstinate! You show them who's boss this week.
Piss in the front room.
Eat your vomit in front of them.
Make sure you have a good lick of your nadgers in front of them.
We must keep our doggy independence!
After watching Chandi on tv, my master turned round to me and said, "Oi Snoots why can't you do that?"
I gave him one of my doleful looks and whispered in doggy language, "Because I can't be arsed....I'm a dog for god's sake!"

Ben the Labrador

Mum and Dad had their friends round for dinner.....which meant their friends' dog, Ben, came to stay.
Poor old Ben. He's very old now and has rather stiff front legs, he kind of waddles about. Jessica my elderly yorkshire terrier housemate is rather rude to old Ben and mocks him:
"Oi stiffy, fancy a hump, big boy?"
Jess is spayed and has no desire to be humped...but Ben gets rather forlorn when she utters this. His days of large erections and entertaining the ladies is past. His owners, Nigel and Lynda, have him on healthy dry food for senior dogs. He nearly had an orgasm when I allowed him to have a bit of my wet, slinky Winalot lamb jelly chunks.
Ben is very much a bon viveur and entertains us with tales of romances with flighty gun dogs and petite female beagles. Bless him.
Mind you....his farts could melt a glass window and often cause Jess and me to gag violently.
Before he left, he did a massive crap in the garden next to Dad's treasured stone columned sun dial.
He may be old but he still has style!

Just Back From London

Myself and Jessica have just got back from London!
We went there with the Master & Mistress (Mum & Dad). They were visiting a friend of theirs who lives with our mate Gertie the Spaniel in Lewisham. We had a jolly lovely walk around Greenwich Park. Bloody luscious urban piss smells all over the park. Mind you some of those London dogs are well hard, although it has to be said many were polite and welcoming; a few were rather rude addressing us as such:
"Oi you slags....who gives you the right to go arse sniffing and ball chasing on our manor?"
we of course woofed polite replies....only to be chased and growled at by a number of Pitbull thugs.
There is however quite an artistic canine community in the park....and we were very impressed by Erasmus, a poodle from Tooting, who talked to us of Renaissance art and the joy of Titian....he had a nice smell to his under passage and I rather think Jessie had the hots for him.
In the evening we watched the electoral debate between the party leaders on tv.
As Cameron, Clegg and Brown wittered on there was no mention of raising tripe levels in dog meat or free chicken strips for dogs over the age of ten.
Bloody disappointing....but good to kip to.

Hula Hoops - Beef Flavour!

Hot day today, nice and sunny in Bournemouth.
Mistress out in the garden with Jessica, sat on a chair reading some nauseous Chick Lit book about some gorgeous looking female professional in need of a shag. I, being the intelligent dog of the house, go for the main chance!
Yes admittedly, lying in the sun on a lush lawn and writhing about is jolly attractive, however.....The Master has gone into the front room.
I follow him, sensing there might be a chance of grub.
Sure enough there he is lying sprawled on the settee watching some old John Wayne film feeding himself vigorously from a bag of Hula Hoops, (Beef Flavour). Oh yes! the saltiness of the beef flavouring mixed in with the slightly fatty fried potato...it truly is the crisp of choice for most canines! With the lazy bugger getting through the bag at a right old rate of knots, I have to act quickly.
I put on the faces:
1. Cute & kind of winsome.....give me a Hula Hoop
2. Slightly morose and depressed.....give me a Hula Hoop
3. Somewhat pissed off and losing my patience.....GIVE ME A HULA HOOP PLEASE!!!!

And what do I get?....some tiny bloody semi circled remain which I eat briefly and with a bitter expression. Of course he doesn't register this and carries on watching the film with all its strangely dressed men shooting each other.
The greedy git.
Only one scrap of a Hula Hoop after all my loving looks.
I stroll outside and piss on one of the flowerbeds in the garden and proceed to eat grass. A good puke on the lawn will repay him.

Nice little Lhaso Apso

Both my master and mistress are teachers. So it being the Easter Holidays, me and Jessica tend to get more walkies.
Let me explain about Jessica. She is a 10 year old Yorkshire Terrier bitch I share the house with. She is spayed and also old. There's no physical attraction between me and her....I still have my testicles so I do tend to get a tad randy now and then. A good old hump helps me loads and a bitch with a sexy tail and cute toosh certainly floats my boat. Jessica doesn't....she's old, frigid, bossy and a right madam. Still me and her are going for a walkie on Redhill Common when I catch sight of this damned sexy little LA (Lhaso Apso). Cute as a chicken strip and flirty too. Her name is Suzy and after a nice arse sniff I ask her if she fancies a quick hump.
"No way, hairy boy," she growls, "I'm seeing Dirk the German Shepherd from Winton....he's cool, well endowed and knows how to satisfy an LA."
I'm aghast.
I rebuke her with words of wisdom and articulacy:
"But Dirk is a cock. He can't chase tennis balls and he has worms...always licking his tail and arse hair."
"Insults won't affect my love for him..." she announces loudly and off she strolls, wagging her tail in a coquettishly sexy kind of way.
I decide to have a short piss against a tree and as I contemplate my isolation, my inner anguish, my total rejection, Jessica saunters up.
"You've got a tiny bit of turd stuck to your arse," she whispers.
"Yeah...you!" I reply unkindly.
She runs away and I am left gnawing at my backside trying to remove excrement and contemplating how unlucky I am in love......